I'm in competition with myself and I'm losing.
I feel like I should write this tonight, because I feel like there are many who feel like me. Sad, deeply hurt, lonely, hopeless? Those are strong emotions but yes, I feel them all often. Sadly, more often then I feel joy, love and happiness. Don't worry, this isn't all a downward spiral.....I just feel like being very transparent with you, so that you know that you are not alone. My true joy comes from helping others, and if I have to go through something difficult and can help someone else that may be experiencing something similar, then it's worth it to share.
The thing about me is that I am very competitive. I have played multiple sports since elementary school, started pageants in the 4th grade, acting/modeling, all very competitive things. What they all have in common of sorts is that the end result is either "Winning" or "Losing." Rejection. Now while if you take a perspective that you learn from everything and grow in obstacles you could deem losing as winning in the grand scheme of things, but in our darkest moments, losing just feels like losing, ha. Rejection, failure, something you take very personal. I've been trained with an inner desire to win but the facts are you can only control yourself....what others do, how they treat you, the final outcome is often not in our control. Sometimes you can be the best and still lose. Why I say this? I think there are a lot of people out there who feel like failures, that they've been rejected, that they have lost something. I want you to know that you are not alone. Some are great at putting on a poker face, sometimes you just can't. I often do not know who I am. My own mother knows I am not myself and haven't been for a very long time. BUT it has not always been this way and it won't stay that way. I truly believe, cause I have lived it, that we each have different seasons in our lives, kinda like the 4 seasons we experience in nature. Sometimes it's cold and dark, everything seems dead or is falling apart, but then there is a fresh rain and warmth that comes where things that once looked dead are suddenly alive again and blooming into something beautiful and new. Sometimes we reach a point where we have done all we can and may experience trials so that we can continue to grow!! Life changes. We have to change and adapt as well. So be encouraged friends. While I have never experienced so much pain in my life, I know that what I learn and grow from in this will make me rock solid and confident in who I am and what I must accomplish going forward. It'll do the same for you!
This song came on earlier and it reminded me of this: Linkin Park- Not Alone
"I break down, fear is sinking in The cold comes, racing through my skin, Searching for a way to get to you, Through the storm you...
Go, giving up your home Go, leaving all you've known You are not alone.
With arms up, stretched into the sky With eyes like, echoes in the night Hiding from the hell that you've been through Silent one, you...
You are not alone."
Always remember, everyone is going through a personal battle that you may not see, but like them, you are not alone:)